Open Letter to the Nasty Office Slut.

Dear Nasty Office Slut:

When I lived on East 7th Street, I had two neighbors worth mentioning: Carlos D. and Br----.

Carlos is the bass player in Interpol and he lived directly downstairs from me. I, of course, like the groupie in training I am, swooned every time he'd practice or have the other Interpol boys over for parties...which were always on Sunday nights, because indie rock boys can roll like that.

Right upstairs from me lived Br----, who over-zealously pursued Carlos in a way that I've never pursued, nor been pursued by anyone. In order to secure in his mind that she was indeed a slut, she was way too vocal about her sexual escapades while in his presence. There was one time in particular that Br----, Carlos, a few others and myself sat on our front stoop with our dogs when Br---- divulged some intimate information that I've been turning over in my head ever since. I won't repeat it, I can't bring myself to, and I never have, in fact, I still blush when I think about it...

Thanks to Br---- and a run-in I had with her one Saturday afternoon on Avenue C, I know why one might need to use Preparation H. I am a really open person when it comes to the topic of sex. I don't judge what gets people off, I definitely question certain practices, and will share this information over brunch with my friends, but judging I don't do so much. However, as your coworker there are things I don't need to know about the graphic details of what you did last night, nor do I need to know what sort of over-the-counter or prescribed cream you're spreading on your delicate spots.

So listen up: the next time you walk past my desk, wiggle your ass in my direction and shake a tube of Preparation H at me while chanting "I got some, I got some," I'm going to have a full on meltdown. I'm not exactly sure just yet what I'm going to do to you, because you're the type who is so sad and so pathetic that humiliating you isn't even an option. But just so you know, I'm biding my time, I'm doing some research, and when you least expect it, revenge will be mine. Do you hear me, Nasty Office Slut!?!? Revenge will be mine!

xo.

Mandy Paunts.