Re: Proof That the Heart Is a Risky Fuel Burn.

Fellow coworkers:

I usually immediately erase any of those stupid email forwards that people send to me. In college, I’d fill them out when I was procrastinating and avoiding the completion of some 40-page paper that was, nine times out of ten, an in depth analysis of my one of the many books by my dead soulmate, F. Scott Fitzgerald.

I’m no longer the procrastinating college student I once was: that girl who at 4am would fill out the questionnaire in the hopes of it providing information about the future love of my life and how many rugrats we'd have together. I’m an adult now and know for a fact that I’ll be marrying either Billy Crudup or Ryan Gosling someday, so I really don’t need a silly email quiz to declare it so.

However, Irving in Accounting sent out one of those time wasting email forwards on Tuesday. I was feeling a little nostalgic and decided to fill it out:

1. Which is your favorite color: Red, Black, Blue, Green or Yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more: black or white?
5. A name of a person that is the same sex as you?
6. Your favorite number?
7. Do you like California or Florida more?
8. Do you like a lake or ocean more?
9. Write down a wish (realistic one)

The results told me everything I already knew, and my wish? Duh: world peace…it don’t get much more realistic than that! But what stuck out was my answer to #5…whatever name I put there should be my best friend…well, according this stupid Feng Shui Horoscope. I put coworker Laura’s name.

Since getting my results on Tuesday, I have been stalking Laura around the office; I’ve called her just to ‘chat’ and even suggested we do drinks next week…because the email told me to do so. My attempts at snatching her up to my BFF haven’t been very subtle, as I’ve started receiving threats from Ali who has already staked a claim on Laura (I’ve made the appropriate spelling and grammatical corrections):

Dearest Amanda,
Please know that Laura is MY best friend. I know you think that you are successfully stealing her away, but please know this is not true. You have never shown any interest in sharing our sushi Mondays or lunch shopping sprees (now at the local boutiques). You can't just jump in because a measly email chain claims you and she are BFF. Look around you - this office screams "Ali and Laura forever!"
If you continue with your shenanigans, I will have to take action.

Yours through Christ/The Star of David,
Alison

I’m not a religious person, so I’m not sure what her closing denotes, but I do know that Ali is getting a little self righteous and possessive. I mean, Laura is okay, but she’s nothing to write home about or hog. In fact, if it weren’t for the damn email, I wouldn’t even be pursuing her. The last thing I need is Ali wielding her machete at me (now that she knows what one is), over some pointless email.

So the next time you have the urge to send me an email forward with some mind-numbing quiz, please don’t. I’m obviously weak and desperate for answers to the great unknown, and have decided email horoscopes are the way to go…and I really don’t need one more vice with which to deal.

Thanks so much!
Mandy.