Re: Paunts On Fire.

Dearest Coworkers (Future, Past and Present):

I’m a liar. I don’t usually lie for the sake of lying, because that would require too much involvement and care, but alas, I do lie. There are a total of three (maybe five) people in this whole world that I do not lie to EVER…and since I have a sneaking suspicion they might read this, I will not mention them by name, so it doesn’t go to their head. They’re also the only three people in all the world with whom I can be 110% myself: the good, the bad, the ugly, the dorky, the offensive, and the painfully politically incorrect…so they can do the math and figure out on their own who they are.

I told a real doozy yesterday. I said that I had baked cupcakes and sent them to Office One…this was a lie. I did bake cupcakes on Sunday night, made some fancy veggie dip, and homemade pesto, too. When the weather gets nasty, I turn into Martha Stewart, but with a better sense of humor…oh! and better clothes, too. However, I never sent those cupcakes to Office One…it was a weak, sorry ass attempt on my part to upset my current coworkers. I know I know…juvenile, indeed. And I fear my day was so awful yesterday because of my lies…let me summarize the events as they unraveled throughout the day so those of you who are angry with me can find satisfaction in my torture:

- I was seven minutes late…and we all know what that means: I was reprimanded.

- We had those three new people start, and although they are somewhat nice, they are more so loud and old and, I’m sure, will wreck havoc on my last nerve before the end of this calendar year. One happens to be a tiny Irish guy (brogue and all) and kind of reminds me of my Grampy, but until he starts spewing Archie Bunker type comments and stereotypes, I’ll remain unimpressed.

- Then I spent an hour in the basement telling the movers what to do…which made me realize I should be like a foreman, or an owner of something…anything, really, where I can channel my inner bossiness.

- THEN, I was micromanaged quite a bit and was told to take a box cutter and scrape 10 year old tape off of the desks of the new people (I apologize in advance to Swede who already listened to me bitch about this project).

- Next, a few current coworkers ran into Jennie Klein at Duke’s, where Jennie Klein proceeded to inform them that I was being mean to her because I was ignoring her. True, I was ignoring her, but only because she doesn’t allow me to be angsty without criticizing me for ‘being negative;’ at least the boys agree with me when I tell them someone sucks! They don’t ask questions, they take my side! Jennie Klein does not.

- I had three bags of mail today…so, you know, that was hellish.

- Swede accused me of putting Fatal Attraction in my Netflix queue, which was obviously a ploy on his part so he wouldn’t feel alone in his bad movie selection, yet again.

- I had to instruct the new old people on how to use their computer and phones…because anything after the VCR is new and fancy to people in that generation.

- I yelled at the UPS guy for not picking up the packages, and let me tell you, that was so long overdue! And if this weren’t a work email, I’d get into the intimate details of what yelling at the d-bag had on my body…

I didn’t have a break all day, which was fine. I ate some celery and dip, and that was it. I was pretty much balls to the wall all day…so, around 5pm, I popped a happy pill, left just before 7pm, hit up a yoga class where I proceeded to fall over incessantly because of the happy pill, came home, cracked open a bottle of wine, and started baking cupcakes. My signature cupcake frosting colors are usually pastels, but I guess I had the game of pool on the brain, because I think the cupcakes look like billiard balls…woohoo. And why did I do this? Oh, for Office One.
I delivered the soon-to-be-stale cupcakes from Sunday night to creepy neighbor Jerry (who looks like Danny Devito did when he played the Penguin in Batman).

Um, I think that's it. I might actually still be drunk from last night...so, we'll see how today goes. Amazingly, I'm quite loving when I'm hung over...I might even hug some of you...ugh.

Faux Kisses All Around,
Paunts.