Re: My Name is Mandy, and I Have a Bad Attitude.

Coworkers:

It has been brought to my attention that someone in this office thinks I have a bad attitude. When I was sat down by Human Resources on Friday and told this information, I was floored. I actually felt my jaw drop and hit the faux wood of the conference table. Me?! I have a bad attitude!? ME!?! I’ve never heard such a load of malarkey in all my life!

I’m sure I’ve been called a lot of things; some of which might be true, and most of which I happen to know are LIES. Yes, I can be a lil' bitchy, but who isn't from time to time? My mom called me an elitist first thing on Sunday morning, later that day my sister called me ridiculous and endearing, Jennie Klein called me dramatic three or four times last week, but that’s because she has yet to learn the difference between sarcasm and unsarcasm, and yeah, that’s a word…I just invented it. Bess in Pittsburgh calls me a rabble-rouser, Mattie told me I was brilliant less than a week ago, Lyndsay stands by her assertion that I’m selfish and sentimental, my dad thinks I’m occasionally negative but usually quite entertaining, my hot Irish super called me a smart ass just this morning…I think, although honestly I can't understand a thing he says to me most of the time. However, a bad attitude? My attitude is so fucking ‘good’ and ‘cheery’ it physically pains me; if the office gave out awards for Most Spirited, I'd surely have that superlative in the bag.

It didn’t take me long to figure out, or rather make an educated assumption, as to who the shit talker is. I guess when one is educated in, and I’m going to quote Jack Nicholson from As Good As It Gets here, “some Panama City ‘sailor wanna hump-hump' bar” it’s difficult to understand things like tone and inflection. I was initially angry, but now I just pity the poor bastard for not having the cojones necessary to come and talk to me himself. If I’ve had at least six hours of sleep, I’m harmless, I swear. Granted, I haven’t had six hours of sleep since I had mononucleosis when I was 19 years old, but I digress.

So congratulations, Evil Informant, you have successfully given me a bad attitude...and like all bad things, it's just going to get worse, and many will suffer. I'll be sure to tell our other coworkers to whom they can send their thank you notes for this new and improved version of me. Thanks!

Kisses,
Mandy.