Cover Letter for Open Position.

Dear Sir or Madam:

I recently heard through the grapevine that you may be looking for a Proposal Writer for your salesteam. I’d like to take a moment to tell you what I can offer your company. I have done freelance writing for the past few years, and am ready to commit myself to a full time writing position.

I had once tried to deny it, but my true love is the construction of sentences, the etymology of words, the gorgeous sound of onomatopoeia and apterous and bliss and elixir and euphemism and jejune and mellifluous, and even banana. It's true: I am a full-blown Verbomaniac. Unfortunately, there is no medication for this addiction. The only thing that satisfies the mania is full on submersion: diving into a pool full of four and five syllable words, splashing nouns and verbs against me, as I blow bubbles of alliteration and palindromes. So, I write. I write about everything and anything…nothing is off limits, even the stuff about which I’ve been begged not to write. Sure, some of it is sacred and will never see the light of day, but as for me, well, I scrawl myself out loud.

So I've got the writing part down...I must admit, however, that I loathe salespeople. I’m not sure why this is…it could be a flaw in my make-up, or merely a result of having high standards for humankind. I hate fake people, people who kiss ass, people who feign interest in stuff like home videos or photos from kids’ first birthday parties. Despite this one setback, I am a professional; but professionalism, like most things in life, is pretty subjective, right?

As I’m sure you will note from my resume, I have worked for your company in the past. I worked for you for almost two years, then was laid off this past July. Since then, I’ve been trying to get back to the office, not because I respect what you do in anyway, but because I miss the people who are still employed there.

I found work just around the corner, as an Office Manager, of course; although I’m like fourteen credits shy of an M.F.A. I'm not bitter...I swear. And while I do find that the owner of the company for which I currently work is far superior to you, [insert former boss' name here], for he is kind, generous, and not a sociopath like yourself; the pockets of my heart have been empty since I was voted off the island, so I would like to come back.

In the past three months, I’ve learned quite a bit. I feel that this new knowledge makes me an ideal candidate for this position:

- companies that have an HR department are no fun
- internships are actually usually paid
- most places will not tolerate the antics of Ms. Cunty/Ms. Piggy
- I finally know what it’s like to be a minority in an office
- my sarcasm can be misconstrued as an ‘attitude problem’ by people who don't 'get me'
- I can now make a mean espresso or cappuccino at a moment’s notice
- Post-It Notes come in all shapes and sizes
- PCs are really tricky to use and less pretty than Macs

- carpet and new flats don't mix, and usually have me on my ass by 10am

- no matter where you go, no one will ever replace the toilet paper or paper towels

- some companies will splurge for birthdays and get f.s. cupcakes instead of a $14.99 ice cream cake from the Associated

- Broadway is by far the worst street in all the city, and maybe even the world too

- I can make a Starbucks gift card last twice as long in the summer than in the winter
- my days are lacking in color since Clifford, Swede and Jennie Klein were subtracted from them

I am proficient in both Mac and PC applications, and have impeccable written skills, although my verbalization leaves much to be desired sometimes. I've worked in fashion, so I can lie and tell you I have a 'thick skin,' but don't be surprised if you catch me in the loo crying at least once a week, especially if I'm hungover. I’m not very good at being a ‘team player’ and usually avoid all team related activities. So while I won’t have much to add to brainstorming meetings, I’ll have plenty to add later when no one is around to witness my genius in action. I’m honest, trust-worthy (unless you fuck me over), dedicated, patient (I once waited in line for six hours to see Godspeed You Black Emperor in mid-January), and can multi-task like it’s nobody’s business…for example, last night I wrote a short story, while listening to the new Her Space Holiday album and watching Family Guy on mute…I mean, that’s talent right there…

If it weren't for a few awesome people you have working at your company, I would have zero interest in applying for this position. I think your company sucks beyond belief and I actually only hope that you stay afloat long for these few awesome people to find something else, something better and of which they are truly worthy.

Please know that I’m anxious to tell you in person what a major asset I can be to your company if given the chance (again). Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

My resume is attached.

Best,
Mandy.