Re: Sticky-Finger Bob.

FYI.

For the second time this week, the building's super, Bob, has stolen from the office.

On Wednesday he came in and then tried to leave with a large roll of bubble wrap. When I confronted him about it, he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about; then when I pointed to the roll that is at least a foot and a half in diameter, he seemed surprised, as if it had just magically appeared there in his hands. I took the bubble wrap away and asked him not to touch things that do not belong to him.

Then today, as many of you noticed, Bob helped himself to Suzie's birthday cake that was in the kitchen. I had just taken it out of the box, went to my desk to get the candles and upon my return found Bob digging away at the once lovely chocolate mousse cake with a metal spoon that he apparently keeps on his person for such situations. I yelled at him, although I know I shouldn't have because he is 140 years old and is obviously losing it, but I was mortified that anyone would take such filth-encrusted fingers to ANY food, let alone food that is not his and is obviously about to be consumed in an employee's birthday celebration! I actually watched as Bob licked the gold cardboard plate from under the cake clean, while giving no apology, nor reason for his actions. I tried to politely explain to him that the cake didn't belong to him, and that he should never help himself to food in our kitchen. He didn't seem to understand what I was saying.

So it is clear that Bob, the 140 year old super who hasn't bathed or changed his clothes since 1979 has officially stepped on over into Senile-Town. One could say it's sad, but I'm going to chalk it up to the simple progressons of life...because that's the kind of day I'm having. It has been decided that Bob is no longer allowed on our floor. No more random flushing of toilets, no more ogling of the office's collective breasts and no more inane questions about the weather. Sticky-finger Bob has just been subtracted from the equation.

Have a great weekend!
Mandy.

Re: Personal Day.

Hello there...

I was really hoping I wouldn't have to be in touch with any of you today, but a bunch of you keep texting and emailing me wondering where I am. I know this is going to come as a shock to some of you, but I'm taking a personal day today. I overdosed on banana walnut pancakes at Clinton Street Bakery first thing this morning, and plan to spend the rest of my day lounging and leisurely making my way through Vogue's three inch thick September issue.

I'm fine. I haven't quit (yet). I will see you all tomorrow, so please stop harassing me.

Thanks!
Happy Mandy.

Re: Intern Emily's Last Day.

Everyone!

Tomorrow will be our intern Emily's last day!
She is going back to California to study law - smart girl!
As long as she steers clear of all liberal arts, especially English, she's bound to have a successful and purposeful life.

Jennifer will be supplying the cake for tomorrow's farewell, and I have the good-bye card at my desk. Please come up and sign it at your earliest convenience.

Thanks!

Re: Telemarketers.

Everyone:

Going forward, should anyone get a call from telemarketers trying to push new insurance plans and/or office supplies, please do not transfer them to me. I know that they will probably ask for me, but if you could all say that I'm either out of the office or that I no longer work here, it would be much appreciated. If I need to field any more questions from people with southern drawls regarding 'what type of toner y'all use' and 'is you lookin' to save some of that there money,' well, I just don't know what I'm going to do, but it's going to be bad, I can promise you that...

Thanks!
xo.Mandy.

Re: The Woman's Bathroom Yet Again.

Once again, the toilet in the first stall just overflowed. This time not because of toilet paper, but because of someone's shit. That's right I just said SHIT. I actually just picked up a piece of someone's fecal matter off the floor and put it in the other toilet. Of course, no one came forward to clean up their own mess. I really don't think I should have to pick up the excrement of my fellow coworkers because they refuse to respect me enough to clean up after themselves. IF YOU CLOG THE TOILET, USE THE FUCKING PLUNGER! DON'T EXPECT ME TO CLEAN UP YOUR FUCKING MESS.

I've taped up the stall and it will stay taped up until the day comes that we can get a new flusher. But seriously, I've begged you all regarding this matter and nothing has changed. It's really disheartening that some of you think that I'm your personal plumber. I'm going to be honest here: I've never hated anyone as much as I hate all of you right now.

Angry Mandy.

Re: Men's Bathroom.

Gentlemen!

The urinal is temporarily out of order! Please do not use it until it's fixed!

Apparently, it's clogged with something and is overflowing when it's flushed. I've never used a urinal (except for that one time in college when I got inebriated on Mad Dog and was dared to pee in one, but I digress)...however, I'm pretty sure it's only for urine, so I can't even begin to imagine what you guys might have shoved in it...
Don't use it until further notice!

Thanks!
Mandy.

Re: Michael + Sarah = Marital Bliss...Pt. 2.

Fine! Only two of you have donated money so far. The rest of you have taken it upon yourselves to ruin what could have been a happy occasion.

I asked you to refrain from giving me your reasons as to why you wouldn't contribute...However, I didn't get one REASON at all.
The following excuses are unacceptable:

1. I've never met the wife.
2. I wasn't invited to the wedding.
3. I don't like Michael's laugh.
4. I'm not married, so why should I celebrate someone who is married?

Are you people kidding me? Out of all the malarkey, the only reasons I do find acceptable are:

1. I can't even take care of myself, let alone give my money to Michael who makes more than me.
2. I will not be celebrating the marriage of anyone, until everyone who wants to get married can.

Unless the last two apply to you - and there are only 3 of you that it applies to - you are now all OBLIGATED to donate at least one dollar. Pretend to be human for one second please, people!

Thanks in advance!
Mandy.

Re: Michael + Sarah = Marital Bliss...

Everyone!

As you should all know by now, our fellow co-worker Michael decided to take the plunge of all plunges, and married his college sweetheart this past weekend. As we have done in the past, we will be taking up a collection of money, so we can buy he and his new wife a little something.

On a side note, please do not feel obligated to donate money. You do not have to give me a reason as to why you will not be contributing, and honestly, I don't care what your reason is. I'd like to get something by the end of the week. So if you're going to participate in this gift giving, please get your money to me within the next day or so.

Thanks!
Mandy.

Re: Smooshing is Bad.

Everyone:

For months now we have lived with a kitchen sink that refuses to drain. Since June, we've had to wash our dishes in the bathroom sinks, all because of a severe back up of something in the drainage pipe. I have asked you all to not shove food down the drain since we are sans a garbage disposal, and you have all sworn up and down, hand practically on the Bible, that you have not smooshed food of any shapes or sizes down that kitchen sink. However, I have been proven right today...once again!

Unable to unclog the pipe the easy way, the plumbers had to cut it open (as you all heard, saw and then eventually smelled), and what did they find? Years of food build up! Food from as recently as last week, smooshed down to form just the tiny tip of a huge mountain of compost! Grosstown!
The plumbers will be back tomorrow to replace the missing pipe piece, giving us a chance to start anew...

So let me make this clear: should you smoosh ANYTHING in any sink in this office, I will know...I don't know how or why, but I will know, and your sink privileges will be lost for the remainder of your employment at this company! And that's bad news bears for those of you who like to wash your hands after you go to the bathroom.

Thanks!
Mandy.