Re: the Bird.

Everyone:

Walking past my desk and giving me the middle finger is not cool or funny or anything that's a good time. Especially with interviewees nervously waiting to tell our boss why they'd be an asset to our company, just a few feet away from me. Let's be grown-ups and keep such behavior for after 6pm...when I can give it back to you and respond by shoving my spit drenched finger in your ear.

Thanks so much!
Mandy.

Re: Wow.

Anyone and Everyone:

Well well well…
I have to say that I was shocked to find all the time sheets in the appropriate folder, a mere 3 boxes on my desk, and only a few candy wrappers near my computer. However, I wasn’t surprised to see the garbage overflowing, a refrigerator full of rotted food, a printer without any ink, an entire slew of emails regarding the women’s bathroom and the secret meaning behind what doing a ‘number 2’ is, and finally, being told of the robbery that took place on the fifth floor because someone didn’t sufficiently close and lock the side door behind them.

I do not pretend to be above any of you in education or IQ – wit, definitely, but as far as our brains go, I’ve always considered us all about even…I stress the word about here. I find it rather disturbing that the simplest of tasks couldn't be taken care of sans moi. I am not a great Office Manager, I consider myself a 5.5 on a scale of one to ten: I’m easily annoyed, usually cranky and actually have a great amount of disdain for the majority of you. My job, although exhausting, isn’t exactly rocket science, so it perplexes me in a way I’ve never before been perplexed that not one of the 52 of you thought to take out the garbage, or go out and buy more ink for the main printer. Maybe I’m the crazy one here, but since this is my world, and you only rent space in it, I’m going to just say: WOW. – How any you know how to get out of bed in the morning, I’ll never understand.

And yes, I had a great vacation for those of you who care - although at least one of you didn't even notice I was gone. Granted it's the same person who has been calling me 'Julie' since day one, but still...
Yep, that's right John, the girl who sits at the front desk isn't named Julie, it's VERY Angry Mandy.

Re: From Here...

Hi Gang!

I'm very tan and relaxed - and only missing a couple of you...kinda!
See you soon!
xoxo.
Mandy.

Re: Office Manager to Vacation Faraway.

Fellow Worker-Bees:

For those of you who don't already know, I will be out of the office all of next week - returning on Tuesday May 29th. To avoid all possible anxiety attacks, I will not be checking my email, and since I'm pretty sure that none of you will need to call me, I will not be giving out my cell number. I will be completely, totally and beautifully unreachable. However, I am leaving you with these few little bits of info, that might come in handy:

paper:
There is plenty of paper to last the office more than two weeks of excessive printing. Should it look like you've run out, just open the cabinet under the printer and you'll be pleasantly surprised.

all other office supplies:
Can be found in the drawers under my desk. The drawers - surprise surprise - are labeled accordingly, so it's pretty easy to locate stuff. Only take what you need, and leave the rest - to gorge oneself is never very becoming.

phones/computers, etc:
Something breaks, figure it out! I have a database of contacts and numbers of people who are more than willing to overcharge for any help you might need!

bathrooms:
If any of you clog a toilet, forcing the restaurant downstairs to finally sue us for damages, please take the following measures:
1. call 411
2. my parents live in NH, get their number
3. call them, and tell them what happened- that way they can contact me and I'll know not to bother coming back on Tuesday.

Great and thanks!
I'll send a postcard.

I'm Outta Here,
Mandy.

PS. Did anyone else cry at the end of last night's episode of The Office - Pam and Jim finally!

Re: What Rhymes with Loop?

Ladies!

Just so we're all clear, both stalls in the women's bathroom are now 'okay' to use! However since the first stall is still a little iffy, please do not put anything (ANYTHING!) in it besides pee and just a wee little dab of toilet paper. And when flushing, HOLD the flusher down until everything is washed away like a magical dream!

Thanks!
Mandy.

PS. (ANYTHING!) means poop. That's right I said it: poop.
(the 13 year old I once was, is really disappointed that I never became that famous actress right about now)

Addictive Impulsive Messaging.

mandyheartshubbell: i just got some blackberries.

gill282h: ooh! from where?

mandyheartshubbell: some fruit stand on grand. want some?

gill282h: yes!

mandyheartshubbell: i’m not getting up. you have to come to my offices to receive their goodness.

gill282h: k. be there in a few.

mandyheartshubbell: i just offered them to ______...and i noticed how dirty and gross his fingers were when he stuck them in my luscious fruit bucket.

gill282h: ew. maybe i don’t want any.

mandyheartshubbell: i’ve washed them since then, but still…it made me realize something.

gill282h: realize what?

mandyheartshubbell: i just don’t want boys near my berries.

Re: Package Labeling.

Everyone (especially those of you with interns!):

Please speak to your interns about the way they label outgoing packages!
It is extremely important that they label the packages:

1st reference: NAME (either their name or yours)
2nd reference: CAMPAIGN/CLIENT

And name means YOUR name, not your nickname, not your mom's name and while it is slightly humorous, NOT Mr. F.U. McDouchebag.

Everything that is being sent out MUST be labeled appropriately so we can keep track of what's going where and why. If you have ANY questions, I'll be more than happy to give you a tutorial on how to do it correctly. As always, I will have a sign-up sheet at my desk for those needing to be schooled...
Thanks!

Best,
Mandy (just as potent as brandy!)

Re: If You Sprinkle When You Tinkle, Be a Sweetie and...

Ladies (if this isn't a euphemism and a half!):

I've sent this email out before, and at the request of several other women in the office, I'm sending it out again...

I understand the fear of germs and the reason behind why women 'squat' over a toilet seat; but what I don't understand is why you squatters don't look back long enough to notice the wet toilet seat you have left after your 'tinkling.'

If this were Yankee Stadium or the mall (I hear they have those in NJ), I could understand not wiping the seat before exiting the stall, but here it's different - this is an intimate setting of people you see everyday, and consideration is key to a happy, functioning office!

So say it with me: If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie!

I'm pretty sure the person who came up with that line made it rhyme on purpose so we could all remember it...but then again, I could be going out on a limb with that rationale.

Thanks!
Mandy.

Re: Don't Cry for Me Argentina.

Everyone:

When Evita came out in 1996, my friend and I would go into the girls’ bathroom in our dorm several times a week to sing ‘Don’t Cry For Me Argentina’. We chose this place because we both firmly believed that the echoing effect made us sound amazing – we were right, of course. To this day, I’m still prone to let out an over-exaggerated ‘Laaaaaaaaa’ in any multi-stall women’s bathroom.

This being said, I'd like to address the intern with the lovely singing voice (we all know who you are!): we’d all like to request that you stop going into the bathroom midday, locking the door and belting out songs. Yes, it’s kinda cute and almost endearing, but it’s also too distracting for a work environment. And while you’re at it, please stop dousing yourself with perfume while you’re in there – it’s making us all sneeze...and for those of us with one lung, it's especially bad.

Thanks so much!
Mandy.

Addictive Impulse Messeging.

kgk919: what are you doing after work?

mandyheartshubbell: going home.

kgk919: do you want to come over and watch Moonwalker?

mandyheartshubbell: you mean the Michael Jackson movie from like 20 years ago?

kgk919: yeah! come over and watch it.

mandyheartshubbell: no.

kgk919: why?

mandyheartshubbell: because i have a headache.

kgk919: why?

mandyheartshubbell: because of people like you.

kgk919: you’re mean.

mandyheartshubbell: so? you’re a bully.

kgk919: maybe you can come over and watch Moonwalker this weekend.

mandyheartshubbell: probably not.

kgk919: why not?

mandyheartshubbell: because i’m not coming up to Harlem to watch Moonwalker

kgk919: for the 100th time, i live on east 71st!

mandyheartshubbell: whatevs – it’s above 14th street.

kgk919: but it’s Moonwalker.

mandyheartshubbell: but you’re annoying me.

Re: Windows.

People:

One of the windows was wide open when I came in this morning. I'm thinking that this approach is probably not the best way to avoid another rat situation, both vermin and otherwise. Granted most of us weren't born and raised in NYC, but no matter where you're from, you must know by now that keeping a window open all weekend is not good; in fact, it is very, very bad. And while I'm all for things that are occasionally deemed 'bad' this is one I'm not fond of at all - it's both rude and wrong to be so careless.

Now that the nice weather is here, everyone needs to understand: if you are the last one to leave here at night, you must shut off the lights, lock the doors, and CLOSE AND LOCK ALL THE WINDOWS (please note the use of caps to leave a lasting impact). It's really not that hard, it's actually quite simple and will make you a better person in the long run.
Thanks!

Your Friendly Secretarial Engineer,
Mandy.

Re: A Word About Faxes.

EVERYONE:

I realize that with our system entailing that the faxes come in through my email, we are constantly forced to discuss the arrival and non-arrival of all expected faxes. However, whether you're waiting for a model to fax a W9 or you're waiting on a contract, please rest assured that once the item gets here I will let you know. It is really unnecessary to come up to my desk 30 times a day asking me the same question over and over again: 'Did I get a fax?' When a fax comes in for you, I ALWAYS forward it along - the only thing that could prevent me from not sending it out immediately would be if I was at lunch, in the bathroom or any place in the world that isn't my desk.

I keep my email open all day long so I can see faxes the very moment they come in - so going forward, PLEASE don't ask me if you have a fax. Trust me, if a fax came in, you would know, because it would be in your inbox (this is a tough concept for some of you to wrap your brain around, I know)...if it's not in your inbox then that simply means it isn't here YET!

If I had a penny for every time I was asked: 'Do I have a fax?' I'd be a rich woman, but since I'm not making a cent every time, please stop asking me.
THANK YOU!

The Slightly Perturbed Office Manager,
Mandy.

Re: Company Printers.

People:

We've already covered that the company printers aren't exactly the best machines to use when printing your resume - seriously, there's a Kinko's just up the street at Astor Place - go there!

In addition to no resumes, you shouldn't be printing any personal documents at all...I'm speaking most explicitly to the person (or persons) who is printing the conspiracy theory propaganda. I found several essays about George W. Bush and friends being behind not only the JFK assassination, but Princess Di's death as well. Listen, I'm not exactly his biggest fan either, but the work place is not the arena for such declarations. So please stop printing up your 'theories' and please stop trying to get people to join your protests immediately! Failure to comply, will result in being tied to a chair in the storage closet, and forced to watch Bush speeches for eight hours straight!

Let's keep politics where they belong: in the bar after several adult beverages - thank you in advance!

Yours Truly,
Mandy.