Re: Confessions of a Former Mean Girl.

I am a reformed Mean Girl. I do not say this with any sort of pride nor regret. It’s just who I once was. I’m sure most of my friends, especially the ones who know me best or have known me the longest, will say I’m still very mean; this is true. I am still pretty mean, but I’ve learned to internalize this meanness, or at least only share it with the ones in my life who have become immune to it.

The height of my Mean Girl ways was in college. I had come out of high school having been a dork. With my pink hair and purple Doc Martens, I spent too much time in the art studios with my friend Cortney who only wore blue Doc Martens. My sister, who was two years behind me in school, was more well known than I was, and when she dated the popular boys in my grade, they were always surprised to find out that she had a sister in their grade.

When I got to college I became a DJ. I was one of only a few girl DJs at the radio station, and being part of the boys' club forced me to go above and beyond to be seen as something besides some lil' freshman girl in Belle and Sebastian tee-shirts. I grew a back bone, learned how to say and love the word 'cock' and became mean.

When I think about the things I said and did to people, to their faces mind you, it almost pains me. My level of cruelty had no limit. I’d hone in on certain people and harass them to no end, I’d tell the victims of my cruelty that they were ugly and useless. I'd start rumors about penis sizes, STDs, and had a bunch of pornography mailed to someone's house. I was always getting in trouble for the offensive emails I would send out to the radio station membership where I’d belittle or degrade certain people. And forget it if I had a few drinks in me…

My mother says I have an acid tongue; and this is something on which I’ve had to work. I still hurt the people closest to me too often, because I’m just naturally a lil' on the evil side. I don’t just drive a proverbial dagger into their hearts, but I twist and pour on the salt, and not just normal salt, but that big salt like you get on one of those soft pretzels from the vendor. And I’ll be the first one to admit that being mean can actually be kinda fun...sorry, but it is.

The Mean Girls in this office remind me of myself, that’s why I both hate them, but also have a soft spot in my cold heart for them. I know they talk shit about me every time I walk past them, and that’s why I call them out on it…if more people had called me out on it, I probably would have quit being such a shit a long time ago.

So let’s start the confessions, shall we? We’ve all been mean at some point, so let’s just get it out in the open. I'm sure even the sweetest of you has been mean at least once in your life...

Here's an example from my past:

When I lived in the dorms, I broke into a bedroom down the hall that belonged to some crazy Christian fanatic, stole all her Christmas decorations, then hauled them out to the quad in front of the building and left them there in a pile of snow. I also was sure to leave her a note that said, “God is Dead.” I was put on probation for this antic…something I managed to keep from my parents.

Whoo...and that's not even the worst of it...that's just something I'm willing admit to...so go ahead, confess that you've been mean, too. It feels good to confess. I promise.

xo.Mandy.

Re: Shining Star of the Month.

Once upon at time, I got a job as an Office Manager in a gorilla marketing company and was awarded the first ever Shining Star of the Month, by fellow coworker Dana. On a day when the air conditioner decided to stop working, wearing a tank top I usually only wear to bed or under sweaters, a photo was taken of me, glued to some purple construction paper, adorned with yellow paper stars and a tradition was born.

Every month, the previous month's Shining Star of the Month would choose a new Shining Star, give a somewhat inappropriate speech about why the new Star was chosen, and yet another construction paper award would be presented, as we all clapped and cheered. It was our one little moment of ridiculousness that upper management couldn't take away from us.

Then one day, we awarded the Shining Star of the Month to Blair and she was fired a few days later...for speaking her mind about the fact that our paychecks were, if I recall correctly, four days late. This was also Swede's first day. I remember because I was shaking with fury over Blair's dismissal as I typed Swede's name in the time clock, and I was corrected when I misspelled his fancy Swedish first name...and yet, despite that first impression Swede remains.

When Blair packed up her belongings, she tore her Shining Star of the Month from the bright orange painted bricks where I had taped it for her, and she said 'At least I can put this on my resume.'

A few months passed and the tradition disappeared. Then Damien gave his notice one day, and we restarted it; we gave it to him before he walked out the door, and let him keep his title the entire month even though he was gone. Clifford got the Shining Star of the Month next, then he gave it to Swede, who gave it back to Clifford, who wanted to give it back to Swede again, but then I was let go so I really didn't have much of a say anymore. However, when I stopped in there on Tuesday, I was delighted to see that someone else had been awarded the Shining Star of the Month and that it continues on...kinda like the Grammy Awards: they're still on every year even though viewership is down to about 50 people and the host is usually someone from a soon-to-be canceled sitcom on TBS.

Oh yes, but I'm talking in circles again...

Office Two, wouldn't it be such fun to have a Shining Star of the Month?! Granted, it wouldn't be something for everyone...even in Office One it was just a game a group of us played; I mean, clearly, certain people were never going to get it. It didn't really grant the Star any special treatment, and nine times out of ten you hated the picture of yourself that was attached to the damn thing, but it still served a purpose: a light-hearted haha look at us we're acting like
ten-year-olds again and kinda loving every second of it...

So I will be handing out the above forms for some of you to fill out at your earliest convenience...then we'll go from there! So fun, right?

xo.

Ms. Paunts.

Re: Popcorn.

I hate popcorn.

There was once a time when the smell of popcorn kicked my nostalgia into overdrive as I recalled memories of going to see E.T. and Return of the Jedi for the first time, but those days are long gone. I used to, occasionally, when I owned a microwave, cook up a bag, douse it with way too much salt until my lips puckered from dehydration, and man did I love it! However the events that have occurred in this office over the past two weeks have changed any craving I will ever have for popcorn again.

A great big 'thank you' goes out to Ali, the ring leader of this new afternoon snack obsession. In a quest to both satisfy her growling belly at 3pm EVERYDAY, and to keep her boss in the know of what popcorn cooking devices are most efficient (apparently, this is what we're giving clients this holiday season), Ali has been popping kernels daily since the week of Halloween. I've begun to dread 3pm: with her current popcorn cooking gear in hand, Ali creeps on over to the kitchen where she cooks a mass amount for herself, the Mean Girls and Joey. Everyday. Sometimes twice a day. It's infuriating! The smell is driving me fucking batty - it's like fingernails on a GD chalkboard - DO YOU HEAR ME, ALI?!

So this is where I'm going to beg: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE give me one day of peace! One day without popcorn! If you can do this for me, then Balthazar cookies for all! Well, for Ali anyway, and after Friday, because I'm broke until then...

Thanks in advance.

xo.

Mandy.

Stupid Coworkers Quote of the Day.

Stupid Coworker: "What did you do this weekend?"

Me: "Saw a movie and stuff. I've never seen so many people walk out of a movie before!"

Stupid Coworker: "You're lying!"

Me: "No, I'm not. It was really that bad."

Stupid Coworker: "Oh, I thought you meant they walked out because you were there!"

Me: "No, Ali. I'm not that repulsive, thanks."

Stupid Coworker's Quote(s) of the Day.

Me: "Why do you look so glum today?"

Stupid Coworker: "What? What's that? Glum? What does that mean?"

Me: "You don't know glum? It's like melancholy...so why do you look so melancholy today?"

Stupid Coworker: "What's that? I've never heard of that word either!"

Me: "You're kidding me, right?"

Stupid Coworker: "Well, we're not all English majors who know those kinds of words..."

Me: "Those kinds of words? They're like basic everyday standard conversation words!"

Stupid Coworker: "Not if I haven't heard of them."

Addictive Impulse Messaging.

stkhmSyndrm81: oh, Cliff’s lil’ intern was pretty awkward today. first she said she dreamed about me.

mandyheartshubbell: oh no! which one is she? long hair one?

stkhmSyndrm81: yeah. I told her I was 19. so then I had to explain to her I was in fact older.

mandyheartshubbell: how old is she?

stkhmSyndrm81: dunno. then she asked me if I had any brothers here, and then where I went to college. I said in Sweden, and she said: that’s not a country, right?

mandyheartshubbell: HAHAHAHA

stkhmSyndrm81: I said no no, it’s a suburb of Switzerland. and we all cracked up except her.

mandyheartshubbell: you’re amazing.

stkhmSyndrm81: she still wasn’t sure what happened, so she googled a map of Sweden.

mandyheartshubbell: poor lil’ thing…she just wants some Swedish lovin’

stkhmSyndrm81: yeah, she even lent me her Metro card today…we’re practically engaged.

mandyheartshubbell: wow. all this time you’ve been looking for a girl who didn’t know Sweden was a country, and you finally found her…

stkhmSyndrm81: yeah.

mandyheartshubbell: isn’t she German? shouldn’t she know about other countries in Europe?

stkhmSyndrm81: no no…this is the American intern. but she’s from the Midwest, I believe.

mandyheartshubbell: oh, so she kind of has an excuse…

Jennie Klein's Quote of the Day.

Most of us have been watching the puppies all day. I've even decided to give names to a few...there's Mandy, Mattie, Clifford, Meg and Jennie Klein. I told Jennie Klein she'll know who her puppy equivalent is because he's the one with the purple collar, to which she asked:
"Which one is the purple collar one?"

Re: Awkward Jokes, Bad Jokes.

People:

At Office One (let's call it that going forward, shall we?), I had an unspoken rule (law) that only well-dressed boys were allowed to hang around my desk...this, of course, narrowed down to just two lads, Clifford and Swede. My reason wasn't superficial in anyway (I'm such a liar), but because at that time I had a strong dislike for several others in the office...mainly the self-proclaimed comedians.

Today I was verbally accosted by one such comedian in Office Two...a normally mute, mean, and brooding fella named Adam. Adam is an interesting case...I've, on a few occasions, found him almost attractive, then I come to my senses and realize that it's just confusion on the part of my brain and vagina because of the over-abundance of Jappy girls in the office. I mean, the guy likes football...and he's a guy, not a boy. I like boys. Dorky ones. Dorky boys who read too much and laugh at my bad jokes. But I digress...

So after reprimanding Office Two for your inability to keep the shipping room 'tidy,' I was confronted by Adam and his weak attempt at a funny. I stared at him as he didn't make eye contact (he never does) and babbled out his bad joke. I started swatting at the sky as if a bug were flying in my face, because well, I guess I think of Adam as an annoying fly? I didn't laugh, because I don't believe in throwing people a bone, and instead was so overcome by confusion, that I walked into an open drawer and almost ate it.

The lesson? Very few of us are true comedians, and even less can deliver a joke flawlessly and with impeccable comedic timing, so why bother? I'm already starting to develop a bruise on my shin thanks to Adam and his awkward, pointless joke; and since I'm an avid wearer of skirts and dresses year round, bruised legs are just not something for which I will easily forgive you.

Just keep your jokes to yourself...and unless your wit has been stamped with approval by yours truly, don't come around my part of the office and poison my life with your awkwardness. It's just selfish really...

Good. I'm glad we did this...

Bruised, Battered, and Bitten,

Ms.Paunts.

Stupid Coworker's Quote of the Day.

Stupid Coworker said, "The first thing I thought when Michelle Obama walked on that stage, was 'what was she thinking when she wore that dress'?!"

To which Ali responded, "I know, but she's sooo pretty."

Stupid Coworker's Quote of the Day: Election Day 2008.

At 538pm on Election Day, Stupid Coworker to other Stupid Coworker:

"Who should I vote for? Who did you vote for? I don't know the difference between the two."

(this is also Laura and Joey's direct 'supervisor')

Addictive Impulse Messaging.

cl80G: i'm mad at you.

mandyheartshubbell: why? what did i do now?

cl80G: the fact that you invite Jennie fucking Klein to hang out with your new office people and not me AND she's on email chains!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
you're a JAP now too - turn in your Chucks!

mandyheartshubbell: NO! i invited her because i knew there would be single jewish boys there - you're not dating single jewish boys this season - you have the blue shoe girl!

cl80G: you don't think i'm cool enough to hang out with or be on your email chains.

mandyheartshubbell: you are! you are!

cl80G: so you take Jennie Klein to represent who you are outside the office - YOU ARE A COLDPLAY BOX SET!

mandyheartshubbell: wow. that's cold...even for you.

cl80G: in uggs- a coldplay box set in uggs.

A Slightly Political Email Chain.

Joey: Mandy, Please let us know who were JK’s favorite and least favorite people from Laura’s Halloween party. Thanks in advance.

Mandy: Jennie Klein, please decide on this matter and respond at your earliest convenience. Thanks.

JK: I do not like to be put in such awkward situations, but I am gonna say Laura on this one because she is an amazing host and was really nice to me. Joey, when you do something really nice for me, then you’ll be first on my list (I promise).

Mandy: Laura is an amazing hostESS…she’s a girl, Jennie Klein, not a tranny like that tranny whore who stole my Mrs. Mia Wallace look…

Laura: It was like that tranny ate Mia Wallace, then stole her clothes and went to my party…and then ate all my snacks.

JK: Actually, I was the one who ate all the bean dip. FYI. And since the party, I’ve been dreaming about Jello shots.

Mandy: We should have Jello shots everyday. I’ll make some tonight and distribute them tomorrow amongst the offices.

Laura: Adam invited me to his ‘Election Day party’ which I am clearly not going to, but he had a great idea – blue and red shots, and every time a red state wins you go red and vice versa…JELLO SHOT ELECTION DAY PARTY???

JK: I am hoping I don’t have to drink myself to death tomorrow night. But I want a fun party to go to – it’s going to be a long night.

Laura: Party at my house again!

Joey: But Ali can’t come. She loves Palin and is too cool for this email chain.

JK: Does she really love Palin??? I can’t party with republicans. FYI.

Mandy: She totally does. She had to ‘think’ before she voted…you don’t ‘think’ when it’s Obama vs McCain…you just do it. Like Nike.

Joey: She and her boyfriend who brings over trouble to parties seriously ‘had to think’ about who to vote for – Disgusting. Ali thinks Palin is smart.

Ali: Sorry! I’m just seeing all of this now!!! NO, I do not like Palin (she does have good political fashion sense though – I think she realy pretty) besides that my liking for her is purely superficial I hate to admit. Additionally, stop picking on me!!! Jennie Klein, I am trying to recreate the taco dip so party at my place ASAP!

Joey: And why Ali likes Palin – ‘I think she realy pretty’ --- Enough said

Mandy: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ali: Not funny, Manders!

Re: Stalker Stalker.

People:

I usually don't discuss my personal life with my coworkers. Well, at least not while sober...

There are bits of my life that I'm pretty selfish about that I actually keep to myself, all locked up in a lil' place deep inside my heart...the stuff that matters, anyway...

However, we have a stalker situation on our hands...an out of his mind person who should probably be medicated. He has yet to threaten my life, although I've warned people that should I end up dead any time soon, he will be the one to blame, and I've gone so far as to 'leave' my belongings to certain people (Jennie Klein gets my designer dresses, although she'll definitely have to have them taken in; Swede gets my Mac [against his will], my music, and my red couch; my sister gets my shoes; my parents get Hubbell; and so on down the line...).

I like to think I'm pretty difficult to find...even if you Google my name, you only get my Facebook page, some stuff I've written, my days as a college DJ pops up, too, and of course, that super fun article about how I'm part of the 'Trophy Kid' generation...and we're not exactly dealing with a Sherlock Holmes meets Einstein situation. But that being said, this city is very small when it comes down to it...I can't even tell you how often I find myself ducking behind garbage cans and homeless people to avoid someone I've tried to forget.

Multiple mildly threatening and psychotic texts have made me realize that someone has a delusion, and not in a cute Lars and the Real Girl kind of way. I'm not terrified yet, but I'm really not crazy about walking home alone right now, especially since we've turned back the clocks and it's dark at 5pm, so I'm thinking we could start 'The Walk Mandy Home Volunteer Initiative.' Sounds super fun, right? It's really quite easy, we just leave the building at the same time, and I tag-along in whatever direction in which you are headed. If you want, we can talk, although I'm perfectly comfortable in silence; we can even stop along the way for an adult beverage and I can show you some of the texts, and if that doesn't disturb you, I can forward you the emails the next day at work where you can open them and endure the horror of it all.

I want 'The Walk Mandy Home Volunteer Initiative' to be a pleasant experience for all, and a great way for everyone to participate. We could even do old office and new office walks, like one person from each office can do Mondays, then two from the new office on Tuesdays, then maybe one from the old office on Wednesday...either way, I'll let you guys fight over who gets to walk me home which nights. Just email me your after work availability, the amount of time you're willing to commit to the Initiative, and we'll go from there!

Thanks!

xo.Mandy.

Stupid Coworker's Quote of the Day.

After hearing that we're interviewing for yet another sales assistant, stupid coworker said: "We'll probably hate her - we hate everyone!"

Me: "So I've noticed..."

Stupid coworker: "What? What are you talking about - I totally like you, Alison."

Me: "Wow."

Stupid coworker: "What?"

Me: "Nothing."

Re: Halloween.

I'm not big on celebrating holidays. Sure, I love a lil' decorating Christmas Tree action, drinking too much red wine on Christmas eve and telling my family things about me they really don't want to know; but being a misanthropic in training, I don't go out and immerse myself in the Christmas spirit. I sleep through New Years as I firmly believe it's rookies' night out, I tolerate Easter for the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup eggs that come out around that time...Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day...all well and good, but it's not something to which I look forward.

Halloween, however, oh wow...I love Halloween. And I don't mean 'love' like 'oh, I love those paunts,' or 'I love that pizza,' and not quite as much as I would love a song or a person; but in the middle, in a safe spot in between deep, all-consuming love and surfacey, superficial love, there lies my love for Halloween.

So when I'm told that we don't 'do' Halloween here at this new office, the bratty 13-year old in me rebels, stomps her feet and demands an explanation. I climb up on the closest allegorical soapbox, and state that if I were president, everyone, and I mean everyone, would have to dress up for Halloween. It would be beyond mandatory and people who didn't participate would not just be jailed, but killed...yes, that's right, I said killed.

So in protest of this office not 'doing' Halloween, I will wake tomorrow, I will adorn myself in my Halloween costume, I will then waltz right on past the new office and head down Houston to the old office where they will be celebrating Halloween...and there I will sit all day in my get-up. I will take my place at my former desk - that is, if they haven't stuck one of the many German interns there, and I'll just sort of take up space. Yes, it's going to be weird and awkward for my old coworkers, but I will bring with me snacks to ease the pain of it all. I will call the new office and tell them I'm 'sick'...in fact, around 515pm today, I will start mentioning, in passing, that I'm not feeling well, in preparation for tomorrow's 'sick' day.

I don't plan to have a real job by this time next year, but if for some reason I do, and this new office still refuses to participate in the greatest holiday ever invented, then I'll do the same thing: walk on down to the old office and celebrate with them...although, I'm really hoping that Clifford and Swede will have moved onto their own new offices by then...of course, Jennie Klein will still be there, but that's another story...

So there.

Happy Halloween From West Houston Street,
Mandy.