Friday, July 10, 2009
Re: In the Closet.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Stupid Coworker's Quote of the Day.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Re: Pretty in Pink.
Then I hit up the coffee cart out front of my office building to score myself my usual large iced coffee, when I was confronted by a person who reminded me why I don't like people so much. I stood in front of the cart patiently waiting for my coffee, when Shit for Brains stepped in front of me. "Sir, Sir, Sir, Sir, Sir, Sir," he said repeatedly like an annoying child trying to get its mother's attention, "Sir, Sir - I'm in a rush and need to pay for this juice now."
The coffee cart man ignored him, as I was clearly there first and my order was the priority of the moment. So again, "Sir, Sir, Sir, Sir! Please, just take this five and give me back my change - I'm in a rush!" yelled Shit for Brains.
"Oh, I guess you're the only one in a rush, huh?" I asked him.
I'm always surprised when people who are acting douchy seem surprised when their douchiness is pointed out to them. Shit for Brains looked somewhat shocked: "Yeah, I am the only that's in a rush," he said. Okay, first of all the pronoun in this case is "who" and not "that" unless of course he was acknowledging the fact that he's more of an "it" than a "person" - which would be good for him...because admitting it is half the battle.
Shit for Brains then grabbed a straw, bit off the end and let the paper (read: trash) fall to the sidewalk. "Oh, that's nice...you litter too," I said to him. At this point, Shit for Brains just stared at me with his mouth agape. I half expected him to call me a "bitch" or a "cunt" or something else equally unoriginal. I had flashbacks to that scene in Pretty in Pink when Molly Ringwald's character puts James Spader's character in his place and he quips, "You're a bitch. You know, you should really see a doctor about that condition of yours..." but no, Shit for Brains just stared at me. I immediately recognized the stare as one that was supposed to be intimidating, and had he been even remotely attractive or worthwhile, I might have been mildly intimidated, but the portly fella in his cargo shorts and Nikes just didn't scare me.
The coffee cart man finally gave Shit for Brains his change so the round puff could finally leave...he was in a rush after all. Before he left, Shit for Brains looked at me again, "You have a blessed day," he said.
I couldn't believe he was bringing God into this before noon on a Tuesday! "Yeah, I'm sure Jesus is a big fan of you," I said. After he left, I picked up his trash and threw it out. I paid for my iced coffee, scratched my sunburned legs and headed into the office building.
Yeah, this day is gonna be awesome...
Monday, July 6, 2009
Re: Wear Sunscreen.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Re: Stranger Things Have Happened, Stranger Things Have Been Loved.

Stupid Coworker's Quote of the Day.
Me: If you're so cold, why don't you put on your jacket, Alex?
Coworker Alex: Because I like it when my nipples are hard...I find it distracts people.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Re: The Ole Pump and Dump.
My sister had a baby in January. I first met him in April when he was four months old. Being a new mom who had to feed her kid constantly, she'd just whip out her boob and milk the baby anywhere...granted, not in public, but all over the house: during breakfast, during Law & Order, during an intense Scrabble match where I was clearly winning so this was obviously a ploy to distract me so I could lose...anywhere. On one occasion when she and I were going out for the day, she used a breast pump to extract the milk from her so my nephew's other grandmother, could feed him while we were gone. I saw the contraption used to do such things, and when my sister offered me the opportunity to see how it worked, I turned around in horror. I left the room, poured myself a glass of wine, and sat outside to wait for her...priorities...Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Stupid Coworker's Quote of the Day.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Re: Grey Slacks.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Open Letter to the New Girl.
Dear New Girl:Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Stupid Conversation of the Day.
The Shipping Room - Ali, Alex and Mandy are chatting while Ali tapes outgoing packages.
Ali: Mandy told me she was going to be mean to the new girl.
Alex: Really? I’m so surprised…she’s never mean.
Me: No no…Ali, wrote me an email and told me that we should be mean to the new girl because she’s ugly.
Ali: Oh, yeah…I did! Did you look her up on Facebook? She is ugly!
Alex: And her boyfriend is ugly. And old. Old and ugly. My fiancĂ© is old, but at least he’s not ugly.
Me: And he’s rich, so it doesn’t really matter what Steve looks like, does it, Alex?
Alex: He was rich…but then he lost that job. Look at this ring [showing off her engagement ring]…it’s not even three carats? It's embarrassing.
Me: You’re such an asshole.
Ali: I hate this box – it won’t close. [while taping up a package for a messenger]
Alex: You hate that box because it’s not Mandy’s box. Haha…
Me: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Ali: Ew…Alex!
Enter Laura with the day's thought-provoking question.
Laura: Okay – ready?! If you had to have sex with coworkers Michael or Stephen, who would you choose?
Alex: Mandy – I choose Mandy and her box!
Me: Why are you such a lesbian lately?
Laura: I’m being serious…
Ali: I want Wendy's for lunch!
Exit Ali to further ponder her lunch options.
Alex: Michael…he’s ugly, but rich. Who’s Stephen?
Me: The old Irish guy who has teeth like Shane MacGowan.
Alex: Who’s Shane MacGowan?
Laura: You’re dating a guy named Shane?
Me: No! I wouldn’t date an Irishman – they have fucked up teeth. I’m picky about teeth. Shane MacGowan was in the Pogues. Alex, he’s like Bono except ugly and old and is missing pretty much all but one tooth.
Alex: Oh, he’s in U2?
Me: No…I said the Pogues.
Laura: You didn’t answer me: Would you have sex with Michael or Stephen?
Alex: She’d choose me...what's a Pogue?
Me: I’d choose Alex or suicide.
Laura: Suicide isn’t an option – it’s either Michael or Stephen.
Me: Suicide has to be an option...there has to be a third option. In fact, I'll kill myself now just in case I am ever forced to decide between the two of them for fornication purposes.
Laura: You’re so mean.
Alex: Dirty Sanchez…
Me: What?
Alex: I bet the new girl likes the Dirty Sanchez.
Laura: I hate the new girl. Did you see her Facebook? She’s so ugly.
Me: Um, we covered this five minutes ago…
Laura: Really? Look at how I shimmy! [Laura breaks out in a shimmy]
Enter Ali again after a brief altercation with a stupid supervisor.
Ali: I don't know if you guys know this, but she's really stupid.
Alex: Who? Mandy? She's just a dirty slut.
Me: Alex, I have half a croissant on my desk...why don't you eat it so those laxatives you took this morning won't be a waste...
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Re: You Could Either Be Successful, Or Be Us.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Stupid Coworker's Quote of the Day.
Me: I don't care.
Coworker Alex: I bet in high school you were that mean alternative girl who thought she was better than everybody else. I bet you listened to Nirvana or some grunge shit.
Me: So? That's better than being the Jappy bitch that you were...the kind who threw Twinkies at the fat chicks...
Coworker Alex: I wouldn't do that...I'd eat the Twinkies myself then throw them up...
Me: Oh, yeah...I forgot you're not only the office bitch, but the office bulimic, too.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Re: Crankfest 2009.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Stupid Coworker's Quote of the Day.
Me: I don't know. I guess I'm happy.
Coworker Alex: No, seriously, what did you do? You must have done something evil.
Me: I didn't. I'm just happy. I must have gotten a sufficient amount of sleep or something.
Coworker Alex: Well, quit it. It's creeping me out.
Me: Actually, I had a dream about you the other night and I'm just remembering it now.
Coworker Alex: Really? Did we have sex in it?
Me: Of course...on the deck of this big ship.
Coworker Alex: Was I any good?
Me: You were awesome.
Coworker Alex: Do you think I look like a cancer patient?
(silence)
Coworker Alex: Seriously, look at my hair...it's sooo like a cancer patient.
Me: I don't think stereotypical cancer patients have much hair.
Coworker Alex: Well, look at my outfit...totally a cancer patient....
Me: Um, yeah, I have to take this call...